And it's too big to carry by myself. I promised, I swore, that I wouldn't tell anyone here, and I need to post this, and I'm sorry that it's here, I'm sorry. But like I said... I need to tell and I can't anywhere else. I have major feelings for a guy here, Jamel. I've had them since the beginning of the school year. I knew that he didn't return my feelings. I knew it. But we became essentially fuck buddies. Because his thoughts were, "Yeah, I definitely find you attractive, and you have qualities I like in a girl, a lot of them, actually. But I would only fuck you, never date you." I was cool with that, surprisingly. He has feelings for an RA on the first floor, my friend, Kate. He didn't think anything would happen with that, but I knew if they both got drunk and were together alone, things would happen. Things happened as I predicted. He told me the things that transpired last night. A few details I didn't want to know, but I did ask what was bothering him. Before they went to sleep, he asked her out, essentially. And she said yes. Though they were both very drunk, and about to go to sleep. So he texted her asking if that still stood. Last I heard, he didn't have an answer. I can't help but feel... really hurt. But what I think hurts the most is being just so incredibly stupid. Stupid because I didn't get over this sooner. Stupid because I asked knowing exactly what the answer would be. I'm really trying to be happy for him. I really am. Because I care about him just so much, and I wish for nothing for him but happiness. He's really a cool guy and deserves to be happy. I just wish I could be. Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get it out of my system.